In just over two weeks, YWAM Ireland’s Reconciliation Discipleship Training School (RDTS) 2014 begins. The pantry will be stocked. The classroom will be prepared. Bedrooms, all ready, will await their newest inhabitants. Trainees will arrive from multiple continents. And I will be a DTS leader.
I have had the privilege to be a “follower” of really excellent leaders in my lifetime, who gave me very positive experiences of discipleship and authority (and this includes some people I currently serve with in YWAM.) However, this has also set my mental bar of leadership very high. That, combined with my stubborn streak of perfectionism, and my human self is convinced that if I can’t be the most bold, dynamic, inspiring leader that ever was, then I probably shouldn’t do it.
During the time of my own DTS, (five years ago already!) I never gave a thought to being staff on DTS, let alone taking on the full responsibility of planning, preparing, and leading a school (and in this case, a two month outreach.) When I was asked to consider leading this particular school, I actually laughed out loud. I eventually agreed to pray about the idea, and as I did so over the next few months, I was startled to find God thinking differently about the situation than I was.
Our conversations were much like this:
“God, I’m not qualified for this!”
That’s okay. I’m qualified, and you can lean on Me.
“God, you know that if I led this, I could fail. I could fail BIG TIME.”
I know, Kayla. But I’m God, and I never fail.
Eventually, I came to the realization that I may not be qualified to my own standards, but that God had chosen to appoint me to this role for this season of life. He also encouraged me that this would be season of challenges and growth, and to prepare myself by “being saturated with Jesus.” (These are the specific words God spoke to me over and over – asking me to spend time sitting at his feet, in his presence, and learning his ways.)
It has been my joy to do this over the last four or five months – and it has also been a challenge. The start date of the school is rushing towards me, and I am more convinced every day that I do not have it nearly “together” enough. I want to wait for the school to start until I am sure I can gracefully rise to meet any and every difficult situation I may encounter. And yet, day by day, as I am stretched, I feel my weak places growing thinner and thinner until I am nearly see-through. And while this is a singularly uncomfortable experience, the Lord has encouraged me that this is where He wants me. As I become transparent in my vulnerability, there is altogether less of me and so much more of the Jesus that lives within me. I do not actually want the people coming here from all over the world to spend the next six months learning to be more like me. I yearn for them to be captivated and transformed by the love and power of the Living God that I serve.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
So here is to the next six months of my life… May I be an ever increasing lamp for Jesus.
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