“If you do away with the yoke of oppression, with the pointing finger and malicious talk, and if you spend yourselves on behalf of the hungry and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will shine in darkness, and your light will become like to noonday.” – Isaiah 58:10
Before I came back to YWAM Ireland, a lot of people prayed about this time in my life. I certainly spent much time in prayer about it. I took a two week trip here a year ago to seek the voice of God in this land, to put aside my own wishes and to unite my vision for my life with His.
In all of these prayers, there was a consistent theme – that my ministry in Northern Ireland would be a cycle of brokenness and healing. That pouring out of the brokenness of myself as a person, that healing for others, and then myself would come.
Considering I felt like this is the exact theme of my life of ministry, I was neither surprised nor concerned. When I got into a car accident several years ago and then became sick for a long time, I was so angry with God for allowing that to happen, and “ruin me” when I was planning on spending my life in service. During my Discipleship Training School (DTS), God talked to me a lot about this very issue. He said, “Kayla, if you had not experienced the reality of death, how could you comprehend the sacrifice of my death on the cross? How could you really love broken people if you don’t understand the depth of brokenness?” I started realizing then that every part of my heart that is stirred up with love and compassion for others stems from a place of knowing their pain all too well.
This proclamation of my brokenness being healing didn’t really faze me, considering all this. What I didn’t count on was that I am daily, continually facing my weakness (and having to lean on God’s strength.) I am living in a community of people – wonderful people, but people I don’t know all that well yet. I am with these people ALL THE TIME. If it were up to me, I would have liked to keep a lid on my humanity for a while longer, till I felt safer. But that is not what this journey is about.
It is not about keeping up a facade of always being lovely, always serving, always saying or doing the right thing until everyone was so convinced of my perfection that when I finally messed it up, my mistakes would be overlooked with a kind of disbelief.
It is not about keeping silent my own heartaches or frustrations so I can properly disciple those who I am meant to disciple. I am always discipling them, and I am always being discipled, regardless of whether I am trying to or not.
This is not easy, but the path is a beautiful one, and I learn as I walk.
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for love is the breath 
“Considering I felt like this is the exact theme of my life of ministry, I was neither surprised nor concerned. When I got into a car accident several years ago and then became sick for a long time, I was so angry with God for allowing that to happen, and “ruin me” when I was planning on spending my life in service. During my Discipleship Training School (DTS), God talked to me a lot about this very issue. He said, “Kayla, if you had not experienced the reality of death, how could you comprehend the sacrifice of my death on the cross? How could you really love broken people if you don’t understand the depth of brokenness?” I started realizing then that every part of my heart that is stirred up with love and compassion for others stems from a place of knowing their pain all too well.”
—-In response to this paragraph. I am dealing with brokeness too and I constantly have to remind myself that God does things in mysterious ways and just last night I was able to reach out to someone in compassion and had God not allowed certain circumstances to happen to me and my marriage, I would not have been able to show God’s love and light on my dear friends situation. I am encouraged by your post. you’ve been on my heart. I love you.
ps. I love the strength in the following lyrics.
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It’s not our home
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise
I’m thankful for you in my life Kayla
-Jessica Compise
Thanks for your very thoughtful response, Jessica! I really appreciate your insight. I’m glad that my post encouraged you… That encourages me! It’s good to realize these things. I have found that now when frightening things happen, or I feel like “there is no way this could ever come to good,” I also start remembering all the other things that God has turned upside down for His use. Not that it makes it much easier to walk through difficult situations, but it does give a bit of comfort.
Thanks for the lyrics – so beautiful! I listened to the song on YouTube and was encouraged.
I love you too!
Kayla
Kayla-
I’m a little overwhelmed, yet encouraged by the testement to His word and work. I have to be honest that I don’t always feel the power of God you so eloquently describe. I do know His strength and guidance because of my experiences with death; it’s a great reminder of the sacrifice He made. I am constantly thinking postitive thoughts about your experiences and wishing you the best. Here’s a HUG for you to hopefully make your day just a bit brighter. I’m thankful for your inspiration and friendship.
Courtney
Courtney,
I’m glad that you found some encouragement in the blog. I think God reveals to us the aspect of His character that we need to understand, season by season. I’m just writing down what I am experiencing myself. 🙂
Thanks for your hug and your encouragement. I really appreciate you!
Kayla
“If it were up to me, I would have liked to keep a lid on my humanity for a while longer, till I felt safer.”
Um, yeah. Can I say amen to that? Ha.
I love you. You are human and broken, but you are also beautiful. Thank you for sharing honestly… keep it up!
Thanks, darling. We definitely are due for a skype date now. So much is happening!